WengerVision (tm)

[daze]

WengerVision (tm)

Football fans have long been puzzled by Arsene Wenger's simultaneous ability to spot an incorrect refereeing decision from prodigious distances, while failing to see a violent offence by an Arsenal player less than a few feet away. Recently declassified information from the U S Defence Department has at last provided an explanation of the phenomenon.
A software product called WengerVision is used to track, via a chip in every Arsenal players shirt, their movements during a game, which are relayed to a satellite. These movements are continually compared to a series of body templates held in the satellite's computer. When a match is found between a player's movements and the template for an elbow, punch or similar offence, the satellite instantly transmits a pulse of white light to Mr Wengers optic nerve, causing a brief but harmless spell of blindness. The system would seem to have been recently upgraded, given Mr Wengers ability at Anfield last week to spot from some 70 yards that a corner against Arsenal that should have been a goal kick.

It is likely that WengerVision (tm) is based on a much simpler satellite based product called HoullierVision (tm). After yet another Liverpool defeat a subliminal message to transmitted to Gerard Houllier's cerebral cortex along the lines of 'We played very well, but were unlucky'. Tied in to this is a random number generator which will pick the number of one or more Liverpool players, depending on the magnitude of the defeat, who will be given special mention regarding the result. A planned upgrade to HoullierVision 2 (tm), which will provide similar capabilities to the Arsenal version is now unlikely, as the time it will be in use will not repay the investment.

[asok]

a bigger cunt and bullshitter than the two frenchmen put together

* "The provocation and intimidation at Anfield is incredible. I can understand why clubs come away from here choking on their own vomit and biting their tongues knowing they have been done by the referee. It would be a miracle to win here" - Fergie vents his fury after the 3-3 draw at said bastion of intimidation and provocation.


* "Our playing surface was the first problem to undermine us. In December 1991 it just broke up and became a mess. To say it must have been just as much of a hardship for our opponents as for us is stupidly simplistic. Not many of them were as committed to the rhythm and flow of a passing game as we were" - Fergie's explanation as to why Leeds won the championship in 1992, Part One.


* "Mick Harford struck me as the man who could give us aerial deadliness and I spoke to David Pleat, the Luton manager, about him. Sadly I did not show enough resolve to push the deal through. If I had acted purposefully as I should have done, we would have won the league" - Fergie's explanation as to why Leeds won the championship in 1992, Part Two. Mick Harford, sir?


* "We were probably playing against the world, Mars and everyone else tonight" - Fergie isn't too chuffed with the referee's decision to send off Eric Cantona at Arsenal in 1994.


* "We created so many chances at the end that I wish I was still centre forward" - Fergie's reaction to the 1-1 draw at West Ham which handed the Premiership title to Blackburn in 1995.


* "The Cantona situation cost us everything" - Fergie's explanation as to why United ended the '95 season trophyless after they then lost the FA Cup Final to Everton.


* "Can anyone tell me why they give referees a watch? It's certainly not to keep the time. I think it was a Mickey Mouse one" - Fergie vents his fury on referee Graham Poll, who had the downright cheek to add only three minutes of injury time as Everton held United to a 2-2 draw at Old Trafford in 1996.


* "You can't pick people out at a distance. Players just blend into the crowd, so I decided at half-time to change it" - Fergie explains why he chose to switch the United kit during the interval of their match at Southampton in 1996. United were 3-0 down at the time.


* "Everyone in the place is on cloud nine. Well, perhaps by the time they come down they'll have lost the league again" - Not exactly an excuse after United had been thrashed 5-0 at Newcastle in 1996, but proof that his lack of grace in the Cup to West Ham wasn't a first.


* "Some sinister magic appeared to be at work" - Fergie's rationale for the European Cup exit to Borussia Dortmund, in 1997.


* "Basically this match was about strength. Injuries had left us with a midfield which was not, by any stretch of the imagination, the kind we would have been expected to put out there. I felt sorry for the players. They did quite well in the circumstances but they just didn't have the strength" - Injuries are a common excuse for Fergie, but what made this particular explanation, after Arsenal had won 1-0 at Old Trafford in March 1998, especially good was the fact that the Gunners were far from being at full strength themselves - leading their attack that day was none other than the mighty Christopher Wreh!


* "He's got it in for us" - Fergie lays into referee David Elleray after the schoolmaster from Harrow had sent off Denis Irwin at Liverpool.


* "I think we're the best team here. We were unlucky to lose the toss in our first two games and play in the sun for the first 25 minutes" - Fergie explains why United failed to win the inaugural Club World Championship a year ago. Thought it had something to do with Gary Neville's inept backpasses giving Vasco da Gama two goals in as many minutes.

[daze]

he does it to wind everyone up.

i'd love it, just love it if you fell for it. :nene:

[daze]

oh yeah 0-2.


so thats what a "mini-revival" looks like. :moon:

[TaPh]

You don't get a mini revival by going all guns blazing to win three cups and still try and get a Champions league place


..........some sinister magic was at work!! :haha:

[daze]

blazin'???

the only thing blazin were owen/heskey shots








over the bar / past the post yada yada yada



:drewl: