Top 10 ways to be the funniest person in your office

[poi]

TOP 10 WAYS TO BE THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN YOUR OFFICE

10. Keep telling the same person they have bad breath, even if they don't, and then punch them in the face.

9. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives the sympathy remarks, tell everyone you were joking and call them a bunch of wankers.

8. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard. In the meeting, pretend you're hacking up a greenie, spit it into a glass and hand it to the person next to you and say "BEAT THAT".

7. Inform a male colleague that he would make a great rent-boy, then piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good shag up the arse.

6. Always walk around with a big smile on your face and one hand down the front of your trousers.

5. Answer every question with "Fucked if I know...", then call the person a racial slur that doesn't even match their colour.

4. Brag about the fact that you carry a gun.

3. Run around the office with your dick out spraying piss everywhere and yelling "It wont stop! God help me it wont stop!" Then when it does,look down and go "Oh!"

2. Ask to borrow a colleague's expensive pen - take it to the toilet and stick it up your arse - return it to the person and tell them that it smells bad and tell them to smell it- when they say that it smells, say: "It should - I had it up my arse"

1. Have a crap on your office floor and, when someone comes in and sees it, tell them it's the fake rubber kind. When they try to pick it up and realise it is real shit - laugh and embarrass them in front of everyone.

[BEN D.PLOY]

damn thats some funny shiz,
did u take any pictures?

[poi]

Asok sent this to me via e-mail, i can just imagine him doing most, if not all of these, perhpas he has some photographic evidence!

[yomama]

moss side job centre is now beckoning.....:emb:

[dj deval]

yomama- i just went for my first "new-deal" thing! f**k me, how smooth am i! charm the (usually fat and ugly) lady with youre musical ambitions, agree with everything they say but dont sign anything (apart from youre signing on thing), and thn find any picture on thier desk and ask "hows that little angel? is that youre daughter/son/grandson etc" and youre away!!!!!:thumbs:

[Amos_Keato]

A long standing favourite of mine has been 'Boardroom Bingo' - basically everyone gets involved apart from the chairman/speaker...

You all pick 3-6 words for each other.

As soon as someone says all of the 3-6 words -

the person whos' words they are has to stand up and shout BINGO.

Livens up the friday morning production meeting a treat :D

Hold on....I've got an e-mail somewhere.........

[Amos_Keato]

Shit there's loads ! Some are forwarded e-mails...some are done by me and friends of mine.....

[Amos_Keato]

Office Dares
Feeling bored in the office? Looking for something new and
exciting to do?
Why not initiate an office dare system - however to do it
properly only you are allowed to know the dare. Sound confusing? Well
read on..........

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player'
must be in the toilet at the time).
3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,
"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears
and grimace.
6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper
huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".
7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9) While riding an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with
double-barrelled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all
that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle
(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to
conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you
actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with
growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a
number two".
5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As
in"the report's on your desk, Mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and
mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my
witness, I'll never go hungry again".
9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna
trade?".
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do
you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk
about it".
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a
lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very
important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your
pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash
each biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the
door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee,
move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn't enough for you...
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.
4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) In the subject field for all your e-mails, write " FOR SEXUAL
FAVOURS".
7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
8) Don't use any punctuation
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time
this week!!!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"

[Amos_Keato]

One of my faves of all time - which I've actually done, was placing a banana
skin on the back of Ms Sandra Fords monitor and leaving it there.
Great fun.....she kept coming out of her office to ask "Can anyone smell
bananas ?"

[Amos_Keato]

Another favourite for meetings is picking an irrelevant statement in advance
then finding some way to insert it into a conversation. Favourites used here
are "Unholy catastrophe", "matted together with a gluey substance", "I can
talk to ghosts", "were all going to die", "I can't stop touching myself"
etc.

Then there's office steeplechase, two or more people get up and rearrange
the office furniture into a race course then run around it leaping over
desks etc.

Another one is to place pictures of yourself semi nude all around your desk,
full on nude if you can get away with it. Its best if you are doing mr
Universe type poses and touching yourself in as many shots as possible.
Under no circumstances must any of the shots feature other people.

If you have any office dividing wall's then get some barbed wire and loop it
around the top of any partitions you have around your desk. Place a sign
outside your cubicle saying "Entrance Verboten" and "All visitors must
report to the check point with papers ready."

Once a month get out a party hat and some party poppers etc., and without
saying a thing to anyone else carry on as if you are having a party. If
anyone asks what you are doing simply ask them if they have an invite.

Learn how to do origami, then start folding memo's and other important paper
work into works of art, see if anyone can bring themselves to destroy your
masterpeice to get bact that important order, or whether they prefer to ask
for another copy. You could expand this theme and start creating various
hats and wearing a different one each day, and making little boats to sail
in your coffee.

Subscribe work colleagues to porn mailing lists as often as possible.

Enter the office in scuba gear, this works best if you are wet and draped in
seaweed.

Get a large bowie knife and spend your dinnertimes whittling a piece of wood
while staring at your boss and any other employees who piss you off. Have
different peices of wood with each targets name written on it.

Along the same line make voodoo doll's of all your colleagues, never let
them see you sticking pins in them or mention them in any way, but be sure
that your desk drawer is open when ever a target is near so they spot them
hiding within.

Start padding your groin area to ridiculous proportions.

Try to convince your boss that a facial tattoo would lend an air of
authority, get catalogues of designs.

Tattoos make great leaving presents, in the event you are ever trusted with
the proceeds of a whip round for such a purpose, then get the person an
appontment with a tattooist.

Ahh hours of fun..

[Amos_Keato]

Greet visitors by rubbing your pants Vic Reeves style.
Call someone 10 times and say "Erm....sorry I've forgotten now, call you back."
Drag your feet along the carpet and go around dishing out static shocks all day.
Out loud - Recite the lyrics to the latest Eminem tune. (including sound effects of chainsaws, gunshots,murders and vomiting)
Ask reception to tannoy "Hugh Jorgan"
Let off a screamer balloon at the turn of each hour.
Start all of your telephone conversations by saying "What's the answer ?"
Re-label the coffee machine (making sure to swap the number for black coffee with Bovril).
Fill a colleagues desk with paperclips / waste paper / cut grass.
Stash a small plastic wrap of persil powder in everyones desk, see if anyone mentions it.
Print a few "Reserved" signs and slap them on peoples chairs whenever they nip the loo.
Call a colleague and hang up from every extension in the building.
Swap peoples in-trays.
Spend a whole day denying everything.
Turn all the calendars back 2 months.
Spend a whole day being vague.
Cough every time someone else coughs.
Fill gaps in conversations with Rolf Harris noises.
Keep your sunglasses on and explain to anyone who asks that you've "Got this eye thing."
Invent a really gruesome medical condition and insist on telling people about it in great detail everytime you get asked how you're doing.
Everytime you have to sign something...after your signature, write "I'm not being funny."

[heat]

:lol: :haha: :haha: :haha: :lol:

My favourite of these:
Get a large bowie knife and spend your dinnertimes whittling a piece of wood ...Have different pieces of wood with each targets name written on it.

targets :haha:

Amos, what is your job anyway - writing these?

[ad_rewind]

On a similar tip ...

25 Stupid things to do in a department store when you’re bored
(preferably when you're with the g/f ... just to embarrass her) :

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in the store to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the toilets.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in the frozen food section" and see what happens.
5. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpeted areas.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department, and tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."
8. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
9. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme tune from 'Mission Impossible.'
10. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
11. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
12. Go to the fitting room and yell loudly "Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"
13. Sign up for a store card, and use it to buy your first purchase – a packet of M&Ms.
14. Go and stand near the geekiest looking store assistant. When nobody is looking, suddenly shout out loudly in pain, and run away from him with a scared look on your face, whilst holding both hands clamped over your nose.
15. Ask customer services to page your lost Arabic friend, Ahf-Joos Fahtad, over the public announcement system system.
16. Open your flies and leave a hotdog sausage hanging out. Wander around the store oblivious.
17. Hide in the passport photo booth with the curtain drawn. Rock the booth from side to side, whilst humming the theme tune from “Dr Who”.
18. Have an in-depth conversation with a lettuce.
19. Have a heated argument with a banana.
20. Go to the toilet. Return wearing your underpants over your trousers. Run around the store with one arm extended in front of you, humming the theme tune from “Superman”.
21. Take your car’s steering wheel lock into the store with you, and use it to wheel-clamp someone’s trolley.
22. Go to the cereal section and scream “Rats!” loudly in a hysterical voice. When everyone starts panicking, add, “I forgot to get sugar”, and calmly wander off.
23. Go to the toilet. Return with a long length of toilet paper hanging out the back of your trousers / skirt, and wander round the store oblivious.
24. Repeat No.23, but with chocolate spread smeared on the paper.
25. Squirt a tube of toothpaste into your mouth. Whilst foaming at the mouth, run around the store madly barking like a dog.

:laff:

[ad_rewind]

Or if you're really bored ...

Nick the wheels off the boss' chair & leave it up on bricks ghetto stylee!

... Not that I'd ever do a thing like that to workplace property ofcourse ...

:D :clap: :laff:

[Amos_Keato]

Originally posted by heat
:lol: :haha: :haha: :haha: :lol:

My favourite of these:
Get a large bowie knife and spend your dinnertimes whittling a piece of wood ...Have different pieces of wood with each targets name written on it.

targets :haha:

Amos, what is your job anyway - writing these?

That whole thread was actually my mate Ant - I did the one beginning "Greet visitors by rubbing your pants vic reeves style"

I do have a tendency to take the piss, sending mails in work though. I'll have a root & see if there's anything else worth posting.